punchy line

...and he (Simon Peter) saw the linen wrappings lying there, and the face-cloth ... not lying with the linen wrappings, but rolled up in a place by itself. - Jn 20: 6-7
-Jn 20: 6-7

Friday, September 30, 2011

Patrons of (Insert Household Catastrophe Here)

Who says saints shouldn't be appealed to for everyday household concerns?  After all, the Church has a patron saint for almost everything: bee-keeping, charcoal burning (Fourth of July patronage?) even eczema.

But, alas, some ‘gaps’ exist in its list of causes; holes, if you will, like those found in tattered curtains that have shredded from prolonged sunlight exposure, or the termite munched consistency of a fence or window pane, the universally telling sign of a nice, expensive-to-fix infestation.

What I’m trying to say is: wouldn’t it be nice if there were saints synonymous with Fr. Fix-It, or Mary the Merry-Maid to whom we might appeal for an occasional domestic life miracle, where, “Bing!”  termite ridden wood and hole-y (holy?) household draperies became miraculously mended?  Or a novena to a saint for the deep-clean to take care of itself?

Hey, it could happen! God does throw us the occasional worldly reward bone, (Remember, “Holy Mary, full of grace, help me find a parking space?” If you've tried it, you know that one works!)

And since our community does extend into Eternity, and, if enough of us made a fuss, some sympathetic saints ‘up there’ might just knock on the Big Guy’s door and say, “Um, Father, Earth has another weird request,” I say we lobby for some advocates who directly intervene in household doings.

And while we're at it, why don't we hypothesize over who may be a prime candidate for patronage of select common domestic catastrophes?  You know, start discussing how a saint (or future saint) might have lived to become associated with an at-home 'cause.'

Is that too brazen?  Oh well, here goes:

Hypothetical saint #1: St. Stain-Master patron of carpet stains (you need a miracle to get rid of ‘em, after all)

How this saint might have lived:

Obviously, during their life this saint would have tried their best to avoid the stain of sin (Original, I know.  Sin, that is - ha!)  But let’s get creative.   What if this self-abnegating saint slept on a rug or carpet, which came to exude the scent of roses over time?  Or this saint could be someone with the stigmata who miraculously never left, er, “evidence” of where they stood or sat (sorry, was that a bit irreverent? I’m sorry, God.)   You get the picture, no stains anywhere, bodily or otherwise.  

#2: St. Dust the Devil-Slayer patron of deliverance from dust and lint

Spiritual combat at its most physically minute level, I say.  Perhaps a humble cloistered nun who was tasked with doing the dusting and lint-rolling her sisters’ habits which she accomplished with a smile despite her allergies? Or perhaps this role is already slotted for James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuum?  Either way, when this saint is invoked, dust and lint don’t stand a chance.

#3: Sta. Perpetua de Pergamentum (Latin for trash), patron of the 'perpetually needing to be emptied' trash receptacles

Okay, before writing this post I did not know that pergamentum was Latin for trash, rubbish or filth.  I guess this makes sense since our world “purge” comes from the Latin pergare.  It also casts a whole new light on Purgatory, for me.  Speaking of Purgatory…what does the life of a holy person designated as the patron of taking out the trash look like?  I say a dad.  Maybe a married couple, just in case the dad needs reminding.   Yeah, that’s all I got and that’s holy enough, as far as I’m concerned! (Or is it purgatory? Hmm….)

#4: St. Creepy Crawly, patron of spider webs in room corners

I’m picturing a Franciscan Friar for this one.  What other brand of religious could unpretentiously address the creepy crawlies that inconsiderately weave little hammocks in the corners of the room?  Of course, my entreaty to the humble friar would be along the lines of "Smash the little buggers to pieces!" In other words, the complete opposite of Francisanism.

Alright, I’ve reached the end of my ability to be humorous (if I even arrived at that at all) and I just reminded myself to remind the husband to empty the trash. 

Now it’s your turn to tell me your ideas for a patron of a household catastrophe.  What chores or states-of-disrepair in the home do you need a saint for? St. Martha, patron of servants and cooks, and of this blog, pray for us!

4 comments:

  1. Love them, may I add Patron Saint of the Dirty Kitchen? I need one of those. I wonder what her/his name would be?

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  2. St Anthony of Padua is my one-size-fits-all for every household catastrophe possible! Daily, it's St Anthony, where are the keys? St Anthony, where is the water shut off valve, St Anthony where did my pay check go, St Anthony help me find my will power to exercise, St Anthony I've lost my patience, my other shoe, the baby's other shoe, the pacifier and most of all, my ear plugs. Give my guy a try.... He's a gem of a household saint!!

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  3. St. Anthony is my hero! I am so in debt to him, I may have to name one of my future sons after him (God-willing). He has helped me find things I know I never should have recovered! Thank you St. Anthony!

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  4. Love all the suggestions, so far! Ditto on the Kitchen and St. A!

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